Healthy, Assertive Adolescent Girls: Preparing For A Successful Future
For many girls, adolescence is a time of significant pressure. This pressure is increasing as our culture shortens the length of childhood and encourages girls to take on adult roles earlier. Many girls who as children were resilient, optimistic, energetic, and assertive become more worried about fitting in, more concerned about their bodies, more self-critical and more depressed. Other girls may sometimes feel good about who they are, but yet struggle to hang on to themselves in the face of constant challenges to their identity and numerous pressures to become who they are not. As Mary Pipher noted in her groundbreaking book1, adolescent girls may be full of contradictions: sensitive and tenderhearted, mean and competitive, superficial and idealistic. While they may be confident in the morning they may be overwhelmed with anxiety by evening. They try on new roles every week - e.g., the good student, the artist, the rebel ---and expect their families to keep up with the changes. However, sometimes their behavior is unreadable, because their communication has gone underground. They often do not communicate their needs, wishes, and desires by direct means and are offended and aggravated when others miss their intended message.
Interpersonal relationships are important for healthy development and for repair and healing when things have gone wrong.2 For example, working on communication in difficult relationships can be part of what is necessary in order to change symptoms of anxiety, depression, or acting out. Skills in communication and assertiveness are some of the important relationship skills girls need, no matter what circumstances they face. They can help girls feel more confident and experience more success in getting their needs met, but at the same time, teach them not to trample on the needs and feelings of others. Communication skills include listening, expressing feelings, the use of appropriate body language, and fair fighting. A central skill for good communication is assertiveness, which refers to making direct statements regarding your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. When you are assertive, you stand up for your rights, but also take into account the rights of others. When you are assertive, you are open to compromise, but not at the expense of your own rights and dignity.
Because adolescence is a time of 'moving away' from parents and 'moving toward' peers, adolescent girls may be less and less inclined to depend on their parents for support and assistance with tackling the problems they face. For this reason, participating in a group with other girls is an excellent way for them to learn about (and practice) the skills needed to communicate in a healthy manner and be assertive. Learning and practicing fundamental communication skills, in a group of peers, can enhance the teen's self-esteem and her experience of self-mastery over her interpersonal environment.4 Enhanced self-esteem makes it more likely that the teen will be able to resist using substances and make healthy choices about sexuality.
What is Adolescence?
The term adolescence usually refers to the second decade of life, and has three approximate phases: early adolescence (10-13 years), mid-adolescence (14-17), and late adolescence (18-20 years). During this is the phase of life, more than during any other (except perhaps infancy), the changes are both rapid and numerous. The developmental changes that occur during adolescence are wide-ranging and encompass almost every area of functioning.
Developmental Changes in Adolescence
Pubertal Changes
Puberty leads to accelerated growth, weight gain, changes in how the body looks, maturing of the reproductive organs, and the development of secondary sex characteristics (such as facial and body hair for boys and breasts for girls).
The hormonal changes that underlie such visible changes are in part responsible for the increased moodiness seen in teenagers, their new-found sexual and romantic interest in peers, and their sometimes elevated levels of aggression. In addition to the challenges all girls encounter in coping with pubertal changes, those girls who are "off-time" (and mature at a significantly different age than most of their peers) face additional stresses. For many girls, the preoccupation with bodies cannot be overstated.
Cognitive, emotional, and spiritual changes
During adolescence, children go through a process of being more able to think abstractly, think into the future, and examine things they used to accept unquestioningly. However, this is an ongoing process. While this process is taking place, the adolescent also becomes somewhat egocentric - she is simultaneously convinced that others are focused on her every action yet do not understand her because her experiences are completely unique. Adolescent girls are likely to have a tendency to see the world in black and white terms and to over-generalize ("everyone gets to stay out until 2"), which makes reasoning with them more difficult. This is compounded by the tendency of adolescent girls to use emotional reasoning (if you feel it, it must be true). Further, during adolescence, emotions are likely to be extreme and changeable, and enormous reactions to small events may be common. Family members may find the teen to be difficult to communicate with and understand. Spiritually, this is likely to be a time of great idealism - many girls become advocates for a cause, or firm in their beliefs about how the world should be.
Identity development
Influential theorists such as Erik Erikson have argued that the major task of this age is to develop an identity - a sense of self that is distinct from that of others, particularly from that of her parents. This is a time when the adolescent girl, in a process of defining who she is, experiments with new roles at home and with peers. She may initially assume an oppositional stance, and refuse to do what her parents want. Later, as she becomes more confident, and gains tools of assertion, she will learn to express her identity in more complex and sophisticated ways.
Changes in Peer Relationships
Peer relationships change and become both more important and more complex, as the adolescent explores her new identity. As the adolescent girl pulls away from her parents, friends become her world. With peers is where she seeks to confirm that she is okay, that her developing self meets with approval. Peers can be both growth-enhancing and growth destroying. In their attempts to find control over their world, many girls become mean, scapegoating the girl who does not conform or who cannot stick up for herself. Unlike boys, girls do not as often learn to express anger directly, and instead may express it by cattiness or teasing.
In early adolescence, girls leave the usually familiar and safe environment of an elementary school, where they may have established groups of friends, and go to larger, more impersonal middle schools and high schools. The insecurity adolescents feel with new peers in these less familiar settings may increase girls' conformity to peer expectations and lead them to attempt to avoid standing out at all costs. Most teenagers are offered drugs by seventh grade, and many girls complain about sexual harassment at school and social settings. It is crucial that girls have the capacity to deal with such a challenging environment.
In addition to these pressures, the adolescent must now deal with the complexity of her sexuality, which may have a persistent quality that intrudes in all aspects of her life. Sexuality is everywhere, and the models of sexuality that surround her are often unhealthy. Dealing with sexuality may be made even more complex if a girl feels that she is "out of step" with her peers in terms of her development. Girls who maintain their sense of selves must resist the peer and cultural pressure to be a certain way, which can be difficult.
School Changes
For an adolescent, academic life also changes. Schoolwork becomes more difficult and schools are larger and more impersonal. Rather than spending the day with a teacher who knows her well, she changes classes frequently throughout the day. Extracurricular activities increase, and balancing school with the rest of her life becomes more complex; time management and meeting academic expectations may present as larger obstacles than they once did.
A 1992 study by the American Association of University Women (AAUW) showed that in classes, boys are twice as likely to be seen as role models, five times as likely to receive teachers' attention, and twelve times as likely to speak up in class. Girls are exposed to more boy-centered stories, and boys tend to be portrayed as clever, brave, creative, and resourceful, whereas girls are seen as kind, dependent, and passive. Mary Pipher suggests that for boys, failure is attributed to external factors, whereas for girls, it is attributed to a lack of ability. The AAUW study found that as children go through school, boys do better and feel better about themselves, whereas girls' self-esteem, opinions of themselves, and scores on standardized achievement tests all decline.
Changes in Family Relationships
During adolescence, the teen is figuring out a new relationship with her family. Just as toddlers move away physically, adolescents move away emotionally. The adolescent is making steps toward autonomy, and wants to spend more time with her peers than with her family. She is likely to become more aware of (and insist on) her privacy, and to resist efforts her parent makes to obtain detailed information from her. Many parents find this change in the level of intimacy with their daughter difficult. As these new roles are being negotiated there might also be new pressures, as parents increase their expectations of their daughter and encourage her to be increasingly responsible. Although some conflict may be normative and serve as a way for the teen to separate from her family, intense or prolonged conflict is neither typical nor healthy.
Negotiating the Pressures: What helps?
Clearly, adolescence is a time of intense change. Development is occurring on many levels, and everything is happening at once. The adolescent girl faces many pressures during this phase of her life and is making choices that will encourage the development of her true self or begin a process of depending on a false self designed to satisfy others. In the long run, girls who are the happiest manage against great odds to stay true to themselves. However, dealing with the complicated problems of this phase of life is not easy. Even if they are not directly impacted, all girls are aware of the challenges faced by friends, the pressure to be beautiful, and the temptation to sacrifice oneself in order to be popular or loved. For this reason, all girls need support and encouragement to develop skills that will help them safely negotiate this phase. As noted above, some of the most important relationship skills are communication and assertiveness.
Communication: Where to learn it?
Communication is a basic life skill, as important as the academic skills a girl will learn in order to make her way through school or to earn a living. Some would say that your ability to communicate is the biggest factor in personal happiness. Communicating effectively will help the adolescent make and keep friends, be valued at school and work, gain the respect of others, and have productive and satisfying romantic relationships in the future. If she is not good at communicating, she will likely encounter problems in one or more areas of her life.
Although communication is important, where can the adolescent girl learn it? Sometimes adult role models are also not good communicators! Where can she learn how to communicate her wants, her anger, or her secret fears? No one shows her how to fight fair (instead of blaming others), how to listen well, or how to "check out" what someone means instead of mind-reading. The best place to learn these skills is in a group with other girls who are learning the same things. A peer group provides support and social interaction, while also providing opportunities to deal with issues in the moment, to practice skills, and to receive feedback from others who are similar to her.
Assertiveness: A Special Skill
Assertiveness is an important part of good communication, and one of the most effective means for the adolescent girl to get her needs met. Assertiveness training teaches her to communicate her thoughts, wishes, and feelings, and to stand up for her rights without violating the rights of othe situation. In some situations, a passive response, or even an aggressive response, may be more appropriate. For example, if you were in immediate physical danger, an assertive response would probably not be as effective as an aggressive one would be. However, most people have a hard time being assertive when they need to, and this is particularly true for adolescent girls. As described above, the changes and pressures of this time make it challenging to keep a level head. Nevertheless, adolescent girls can learn new skills that will help them negotiate the challenges they face and make their lives happier and more productive.
Summary
Adolescence is a challenging time for everyone, and this can be particularly so for girls, who face a particular set of pressures and challenges. Communication and assertiveness skills are essential tools for negotiating the challenges of adolescence and beyond. These are skills that are learned, not natural. Now is a great time to begin!
I encourage all adolescent girls to take the opportunity this summer to get started on learning these skills in a fun, supportive group environment. Together, you and other girls can learn to be strong and assertive, even while you respect the needs of others. Please call the center to find out more information about our summer program, or email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. I look forward to working with you.
Case Study
Susan is upset that hew parents will not allow her to the cheerleading competition because she did not clean her room. Susan believes that she did what they asked her to do in order to be able to go.
- Passive Aggressive Response:
(Sulking) "Whatever, I don't care. I should know I never get to do anything." - Aggressive Response:
(Yelling) "You are such an idiot and so unfair. I hate you!" - Assertive Response:
(Calm) "I feel disappointed and angry that you aren't letting me go, because I thought you said I could go if I vacuumed the living room and tool care of Billy. I did those things, so I wish you would reconsider."
Healthy, Assertive Adolescent Girls: Preparing For A Successful Future Works Cited
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