"Are you practicing self-violence? According to Moffitt (2017) “people are very willing to talk about the violence that the world does to them, but they're much less willing to own the violence that they do to themselves.” Violence in our society is usually discussed in terms of people inflicting harm on other people. However, most people do not recognize the negative self-talk we inflict upon ourselves each day. If you sleep well, eat well, and exercise frequently, your body may be healthy, but it’s equally as important to focus on the self-care and compassion we give to our mind.  Comparing ourselves with others, telling ourselves we “can’t” do something or aren’t good enough or worthy enough are all examples of harming language we use to label ourselves each day.  These daily thoughts that we inflict upon ourselves are detrimental to the mind and to the body. Often, we strive for success in the future, or worry about failures in the past, which means we are not being mindful of the present. In order to apply mindfulness principles to self-violence, we must first to accept our feelings and thoughts as they come, rather than aiming to change them. Moffitt (2001) mentions the word ahimsa, or the practice of non-violence including towards oneself. In order to achieve ahimsa, we have to recognize our present thoughts, and be consciously aware of them without judgment. By practicing living with things as they are, rather than what we would like them to be, our experiences in life become more enjoyable. Rather than continuing down a path of self-violence, practicing mindfulness can help us remain aware of our circumstances and accept them willingly and lovingly. I encourage you to take some time today to practice gratitude for yourself, and make it a point this week to be mindful of self-violence.” 

https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/violence-against-self

Caitlin Bailey, M.Ed., LPC

The work of researcher, John Gottman, PhD, has been influential in the study and understanding of relationships and what causes them to fail or succeed. After 30 years of research, Dr. Gottman has found that only 31% of problems in a relationship are resolvable, meaning 69% of a couple’s conflicts are perpetual issues.

Instead of trying to fix every problem, success will come from a couple’s ability to effectively manage their conflict and communicate with one another in a spirit of acceptance, humor, and affection. Additionally, research shows that the ratio of positive to negative interactions for a relationship to remain stable is 5:1. Meaning, for every 1 negative interaction a couple experiences, there must be 5 positive interactions to maintain an overall positive balance.

Distressed couples often find their relationship has been joined by Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). The presence of any of these can lead to an escalation of negativity between partners and can develop into a pattern of dysfunctional interaction.

•  Criticism is present when you attack your partner’s personality or character. Examples: “You never do what I ask!” “Why are you so messy?” “You always have some reason why you can’t help me with the kids.” “What is it you even do all day?”

• Contempt is present when you attack your partner’s sense of self in an attempt to insult him or her. Examples: name-calling, sarcasm, mockery, rolling your eyes

• Defensiveness is present when you see yourself as the victim or feel the need to protect yourself from an attack. Examples: making excuses, invalidating what your partner says, cross-complaining (“You never take out the trash.” “Well, you never unload the dishwasher!”)

• Stonewalling is present when you withdraw as a way to avoid the conflict. Examples: stony silence, one-word answers, silent treatment, refusing to talk about anything related to the argument

If the Four Horsemen have entered your relationship, you likely are experiencing a deficit of positive feelings and interactions with your partner. To maintain or regain couple stability and happiness, positive affect is essential.

Did you know that many common medications can deplete your body of micronutrients? Genetically, people metabolize micronutrients differently, often requiring additional vitamin and mineral supplementation. Some medical and psychiatric illnesses can be caused or worsened by a lack of micronutrients.

Similarly, low micronutrient levels make it less likely that people will respond to certain medications such as anti-depressants, ADHD medications, and anti-seizure medications that promote a healthy mood. Several chronic health conditions can be directly or indirectly affected by micronutrient deficiencies. Absorption difficulties quite commonly occur as we age, making it important to test as we get older.

Currently, the FDA does not regulate or assess vitamins to see if what is stated on the bottle is actually in the pill. Many people spend hundreds of dollars per year on over the counter vitamins that may contain less than 1% of the supplement that they say they are marketing. These pills are not only ineffective, but may contain potentially harmful additives. Most people taking over the counter multivitamins are still nutritionally deficient. That is why it’s important to always use pharmaceutical grade vitamins, minerals and supplements to ensure that you are receiving the correct dosage.

If your doctor prescribes a medication, in order for the medication to be fully effective, it’s imperative to make sure that your body has the necessary amount of micronutrients to digest and absorb the medications. Micronutrient testing may be ordered before the medication is prescribed, or once a patient is already taking a medication to check for any deficiencies that may be occurring. It’s important to monitor micronutrient levels every 3-6 months while taking any psychoactive medication. Some medications have been found to deplete the body of micronutrients, thus supplementation must be used to help the medications work effectively.

Caitlin Bailey, LPC

“Breathing never works for me.” I hear this sentence all the time from anxious clients.

Have you ever tried breathing exercises to calm down and felt like it didn’t work? You might even have felt like it was making you more anxious or upset. More often than not, this happens when someone is trying to force a feeling of relaxation (which will never work), is using an improper breathing technique, or is breathing too quickly.

Why would changing my breathing help control my anxiety?

Since our breathing is regulated automatically and is not something we have to consciously think about, we frequently don’t notice the speed of our breath until it reaches some sort of extreme. Typically, someone feeling anxious is also taking quick, shallow breaths without realizing it. The average non-anxious person breathes 12-14 breaths per minute. However, most of my anxiety clients have a breathing speed closer to 20 or more breaths per minute at any given time of the day.

This type of breathing is a natural response to a perceived threat. When the brain senses danger, your body goes in to fight/flight/freeze mode. That quick, shallow breathing is important if you are about to run away from or fight an attacker. It is less helpful if the danger is an upcoming test, dealing with day-to-day stress, or managing your racing thoughts.

While faster breathing contributes to turning on the fight/flight/freeze response, slow, relaxed breathing at a rate of 10 breaths per minute or less turns on the brakes. Once that happens our anxiety reactions start to calm – heart rate decreases, sweat gland activity decreases, muscles start to relax, and the knot or butterfly sensation in our stomach starts to release or calm down. Our thoughts also respond to the slowed breathing – racing thoughts start to slow and feel more manageable and chaotic thoughts start to feel clearer and more focused.

Even when I try to breathe slowly, I still don’t feel calm-

For calming breathing techniques to be effective, it is helpful to understand a little bit about the breath’s role in calming down or amping up the nervous system. Breathing – just like our heart rate, skin temperature, and sweat gland activity – is regulated by the autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system has two branches – the sympathetic nervous system (the gas pedal), which triggers the fight/flight/freeze response, and the parasympathetic nervous system (the brakes).

Ironically, when we try to do anything, we engage the sympathetic nervous system. This means we are pushing on the gas pedal and not the brake. If you are breathing to try to relax, you will typically feel the same if not more anxious or stressed. The “trying cycle” tends to go something like this: you recognize you are feeling anxious so try to slow down or deepen your breaths. You don’t feel calm or relaxed, so you try harder. The more the breathing does not help, the harder you try and the more frustrated you become.

In addition to trying too hard, we can also end up overbreathing while trying to calm down. Overbreathing affects the ideal ratio of oxygen to carbon dioxide in the body and can happen if you are breathing too quickly or using an incorrect technique while trying to breathe slowly.

So how do I breathe without trying?

It might seem like a small change, but think about allowing your breath to slow and allowing the calm feeling to come rather than trying to force it. Words really do affect our thoughts and how we approach something. Focusing on allowing versus trying makes a significant difference. Additionally, focus on breathing “low and slow.” The goal is not to take an enormous breath but simply to breathe in until you are comfortably full and breathe out until you are comfortably empty.

• When you inhale, breathe in through your nose and think about guiding the air in to your belly rather than in to your chest.
• When you exhale, blow the air out through your mouth like you are blowing through a straw.
• To help focus your mind away from trying to relax, focus on counting while you breathe.
• Breathe in to the count of 4 and out to the count 6. This will have you breathing at a speed of 6 breaths per minute – most people’s ideal speed for calming the nervous system.
• Once you have the slow rhythm going, allow your mind to relax by noticing the feel of the cold air going in through your nose and the feel of the warm air as it leaves your mouth.
• Notice the feel of your belly as it moves up and down.

Breathing techniques that focus on the breath itself rather than on trying to feel a certain way will always be more effective. In addition, engaging the mind and body at the same time by counting or noticing how something feels in your body helps direct your thoughts away from unhelpful thought patterns.

To learn more skills and tools to manage your anxiety, contact me to set up an initial appointment by phone at (713) 621-9515 or by email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..