How are you all surviving our “solitary confinement,” particularly those of you who are playing multiple roles, i.e. wife, mother, teacher, cleaner, cook, etc.? Many of you have consulted with me in the last several years. Some of my students are now parents and dealing with the multiple roles themselves. Together, we have helped your students, most of whom have learning challenges, through school, college, and graduate school. A great joy for me is when students return to share their successes and their successful attainment of goals.
These last few weeks have been a challenge for parents and students. When I began writing this piece, I intended to share websites, tools, and educational programs, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it would simply be more “overwhelming noise.” So, I decided that I can better serve parents (and therefore children) by being supportive and providing a place to share frustrations and request help in your new role as teacher. If you would like more direct assistance in the form of materials, programs, strategies, etc., I will be glad to help you select those that would meet your student’s needs.
Today, however, I simply want to be a support to all of you who are teaching students with specific learning difficulties. It is not easy to teach one’s own children, particularly if they do not learn easily. What is easy is for both parent and teacher to become frustrated and angry. Remember to set goals that are attainable and that make you and your student experience some success. Learning to enjoy studying is a major goal for all students. How to do that is not always easy, but being at home would be a good time to go back and fill in some of the skills that were not learned and not necessarily cover new material. We suddenly can go slower and teach these skills at a pace that facilitates future learning.
Remember to ask for help and forgive yourself for not doing the job just right. This dreadful period is allowing us to obtain a better relationship with our children by making them feel successful. I have many ideas on how you can achieve the primary goals of learning to like learning and filling in some of the concepts that were not learned. If you would like to ask questions or suggest other topics, I would love to hear from you. Remember, we are all in this teaching and learning process together. As I frequently tell students, learn to make errors and be imperfect. We will get through this.
Thinking of you while we all stay safe,
Linda Narun, M.A., CCC-SLP
Speech-Language Pathologist
Learning Specialist
Texas License #10983
713-621-9515
Email – This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Herschel Ebner, Psy.D
Parenting a child with behavioral difficulties can be challenging to say the least. It may feel like control is lost as the child continually acts aggressively, throws tantrums, or becomes oppositional when limits are imposed. This is a normal feeling- and you’re not alone. According to the CDC, 7.4% of children aged 3-17 years (approximately 4.5 million) have a diagnosed behavioral problem. In other words, almost 1 out of 10 children struggle with some form of disruptive behavior throughout their childhood and adolescent years. Expecting a child to become more compliant or exhibit greater self-control is a far-reach for some; Therefore, it is important to gain some additional perspective on this problem.
When it comes down to it, behavior is the result of two things: a trigger and an outcome. The trigger can be anything from a bee-sting to a thought. The outcome is what happens after the behavior has occurred. Here’s the critical point: the outcome of a behavior is what determines if the behavior will be more or less likely to occur in the future. The basis for determining this likelihood: was the outcome pleasurable or not.
Think about it this way: If I am hungry (trigger), I will muster up the energy to eat a sandwich (behavior), which will lead to feelings of satiation (outcome). I will be more likely to eat something when I am hungry because I know that eating will end my hunger. My motivation to make the sandwich is based on the belief that eating a sandwich will get rid of my feeling of hunger. Similarly, when a child believes they are not being heard (trigger), they will act out (behavior), to get attention (outcome). Motivation to act out is formed by the belief that acting out will decrease the discomfort associated with not being heard.
Examples of triggering events abound, but they all stem from one thing: an inner sense of turmoil. This feeling, often chronic, is associated with the child’s belief that their environment is out of control. Simply put, the behavioral chain (trigger-behavior-outcome) has become compromised at the trigger level, and the child is being influenced by unpleasant beliefs and perceptions (i.e., they have been slighted, something is unfair, internal energy level is too much). When the child believes a situation is out of his or her control, a sense of internal tension will arise, and he or she will be motivated to act out in the hopes of regaining a sense of calm.
Herein lies the key: Predictability. When you create structure, you address acting out at the trigger level. Establishing clear and consistent outcomes allows the child to understand that certain behaviors lead to certain results. And here’s the important part: by implementing pleasurable outcomes (or rewards) for desired behaviors (i.e., greater self-control, use of words, self-awareness), those desired behaviors actually increase. This is why token economy systems, clear boundaries, and reward systems tend to yield positive results.
Thinking about behavior in terms of triggers and outcomes is helpful. It can shed light on why certain behaviors occur, and help identify ways to address problematic behavior. Remember, focus on strengths, voice appreciation whenever a child is flexible, positive, or adaptable, and reflect what the child is going through. Be patient. Most of all, view the process of identifying and correcting triggers as an experiment rather than a battle.
Herschel Ebner, PsyD
Dr. Ebner is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in behavior management, mood disorders, and ADHD. Feel free to contact him at: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
By Dr. Sophia Havasy
The JED Foundation and WebMD have joined forces to present a special report on "Preparing for College: The Mental Health Gap". It is very exciting to have this information available in a mainstream context.
The JED Foundation report of 2015 addresses the importance of “emotional preparedness” in successful college launching. They define emotional preparedness “. . . as the ability to take care of oneself, adapt to new environments, control negative emotions or behaviors and build positive relationships.”
As a professional who has worked with young adults and their families for successful college launching, their work provides important resources for college students and those preparing to go to college.
To access the resources, click here.
I was reading the September 2015 issue of the Monitor on Psychology when I came across an interview with Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D. discussing new ways to look at the concept of intelligence. His research has focused on what he calls “the engagement aspect of intellectual functioning.” I have given hundreds of IQ tests over the years and have witnessed the limitations of trying to predict achievement from the results. I often say that the young adults that I work with could arm wrestle over who has the highest IQ score. It doesn’t always mean as much as we think it should.
Dr. Kaufman then goes on to “. . . define intellect as the dynamic interplay of ability and engagement in the pursuit of personal goals.” For many young adults college is the first time that this definition has to become personally meaningful in order to graduate and have a career path.
Let’s look at the ingredients at what Dr. Kaufman calls “personal intelligence”: ability, engagement, and personal goals. Many young adults assume that they have ability as they have always been told all of their lives how smart they are. Ability is much more than good verbal or visual-spatial skills. Good executive functioning is necessary in order to direct basic abilities. There needs to be a plan, decisions made, impulses tempered, much like a fine-tuned orchestra in order to have that good brain be effective in problem-solving.
Engagement is the second ingredient. It is very difficult for young adults who may have enjoyed learning but never liked school to complete a college degree. These young adults often teach their parents how little they have control. I have seen many a parent insist that the young adult enroll in classes that were barely attended because the young person had no engagement in the process. The parents often do not find out about the lack of investment until the semester is over and time and money are wasted, once again. Young people are told to “find their passion” which sounds ridiculous and/or hollow if they don’t know what it means to engage.
Engagement looks like finding a topic of interest and turning it into a research paper for a class. It is the young person who is told to get a job and actually gets one. (Others who are not engaged are always looking for a job but never finding one). Engagement is seen in the student who watches videos about health care policies because she is interested and wants to know more before meeting with that professor who has it as a specialty. The young man who worked the scoreboard in junior high school now works the scoreboard for professional hockey teams. As a youngster, he became engaged in a pastime that continues to pay dividends 20 years later! Go figure!
Let’s go back to the definition which includes the phrase “dynamic interplay.” Personal goals, the third ingredient of Dr. Kaufman’s definition of intellect, evolve over time whether out of necessity to pay bills, for example; and/or, out of satisfaction and gratification in one’s own efforts. In my work with complicated launchings, it can take a long time for the young adult to determine real personal goals, not just the generic goals presented by society and parents. When you can observe all of the ingredients coming together, you often hear a sigh of relief because you know that he or she will figure it out. We don’t know what it will look like, but like the rest of us, they will figure it out.
I want to tell you a story:
There once was a little girl who felt very strange. Sometimes she would feel so weird it was uncomfortable just to be her. Sometimes, to make it better, she would just start to walk. Once, when she was three years old, she walked out her front door and walked and walked until she came to a house she recognized. She knocked on the door and when the woman answered the door she asked for some milk and cookies. The woman brought the child some milk and cookies and dialed a number, "Are you missing your daughter? Apparently she walked all the way across town to come ask me for some milk and cookies. I just thought you should know."
When she was older, around five or so, she'd leave her house in the middle of the night and sleep in the broken down car parked in the side yard. Or she'd go sleep in the barn over by the horses that she liked to watch. Or she'd sneak into people's houses as they slept and just look around. It made her feel better to smell the lives of strangers in their kitchens or TV rooms. Sometimes it smelled like love and it made her feel better.
When she finally started school she would wake up hours before she needed. She'd make her lunch, get dressed and walk to school. In the dark. She would sit alone on the steps of the school waiting for the sun to rise to warm her, and the school to fill with happy children and smiling teachers. Sometimes she'd swing at the playground, but mostly she would just sit. Still and silent.
Her kindergarten teacher called her mother once. The teacher said, "I really don't know how to say this...I'm kind of embarrassed actually...I've never, well, I'm not complaining, I'm just...it's just an observation. Well, it's just that...your daughter is different. In a good way! I mean that truly. She's very good. That's the problem. She's just so good. Very polite. She sits at her desk and just sits. She never complains, never gets distracted, always does her work immediately and always finishes first. It's just...do you see what I'm saying, it's just not right. Something's not right."
So tell me...
What do you think about this little girl? What do you think her parents think about her? What about her friends? Do you think she has any? What do the neighbors think about her? Her teachers? What do you think is wrong with her? Is she just being a kid? Is she just different and it's okay? Is she happy? Will she grow out of it? Are you worried about her?
What does that little girl make you feel? Did you think about what it might feel like to be her parent, or teacher, or friend? If she was the child of one of your friends, what might you say to your friend about her? Anything?
What if she was your daughter?
The little girl in the story is depressed. Clinically depressed. She was depressed as a toddler and grew to be a depressed middle-schooler, and onto a depressed teenager and so on, and so on, and so on...
Do you believe me?
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you didn't.
There is quite a bit of discourse among laypersons and professionals alike when it comes to believing a child as young as three could even be depressed or anxious. They tend to think, "Come on now...what could they possibly be depressed or anxious about at that age!?!" Or even worse, let's say that you, the person who knows your child the best out of anyone else in the world, is told by countless people, "Oh tut-tut. You're just being over-dramatic. She's fine. She'll grow out of it. It's only a stage."
Is any of this sounding familiar to you? If it does, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were not heard. It's because of this perception that there are too few studies and too few adults who concern themselves with early mental health interventions for the littlest ones in our lives.
Thankfully attentive parents like you, innovative researchers, and clinicians such as me and others at The Tarnow Center are raising the bar when it comes to acting as swiftly as possible when it comes to getting mental health care for the children in our lives that need it – as soon as they need it!
One recent study found that children who were depressed or anxious at the age of three were five times more likely to meet the same criterion at the age of six than those who did not have an initial diagnosis. A 2014 study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry found evidence that preschool depression is the largest predictor of full-blown depression later in life when left untreated.
I can't even count how many discussions I have had with colleagues over the years in regard to early interventions for children. Every time there is a horrific incident in a school, or a young person takes their own life, or a story about an unimaginable tale of bullying is published we practically crowd together all asking the same question, "What can we do? What can we do?!?"
The wonderful truth is we can do a lot.
The frustrating truth is we can't do a thing if no one brings these children to us because the adult is afraid of the stigma, or the label, or the judgment, or the fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, blame...
We understand. As much as we can understand the situation these adults find themselves in, we still beg of you...Please. Please, let us help you. Please, let us help your child. We understand that none of this is fair. It's not fair, it's not right, it's not what you wanted when you dreamed of watching your child grow to become more brilliant and radiant than a billion stars. We understand. We are here to help.
Let me ask you this; there is nothing wrong with taking your child to the doctor to see what that weird bump on his arm is that you spotted last night at bath-time, right? Of course not! If your child takes a tumble down the stairs you don't tell yourself that she'll grow right out of those cuts and bumps and broken bones, do you? No. That is silly.
Using that metaphoric lens to reexamine children's mental health highlights some things. If something doesn't look right to you, it makes sense to bring your child to someone who can make sense of it. If your child goes through something traumatic, it makes sense to provide your child with someone who can help them process through it therapeutically.
If you, or someone you know is unsure about what is going on with a child, The Tarnow Center wants to help. We will work with you and your child to understand what is going on inside that little body of theirs. Once we understand what is going on we will formulate a personalized plan to optimize your child's treatment. Call us anytime: 713-621-9515
There isn't a reason in the world you and your child have to suffer when we're right here.
Knock on our door. We'll have the milk and cookies waiting for you.