FROM FACEBOOK TO SAFEBOOK: FIVE STEPS TO A SMARTER CYBERSPACE
What would you say if I told you I’ve created a teleportation device just for teens? It’s called the Transmogrifier, and it breaks your child down into trillions of atoms and then transports him or her anywhere in the world. Best of all, it’s free! It’s all the rage, and your child absolutely MUST have one. All of her friends do, and it’s not fair, and if you loved her you would…
How would you respond? What would you want to know about the Transmogrifier before you sent your daughter on her inaugural voyage? How old should she be before she can use teleportation? Once she sends herself somewhere, how long before she can come back? Can she come back at all?
Believe it or not, the Transmogrifier already exists…in a way. It can’t transport your daughter anywhere, but it can take her ideas, thoughts, pictures, and videos and instantly send them anywhere in the world. Or even better, to hundreds of destinations at once. But it’s not called the Transmogrifier. It’s called Facebook.
I’d like you to take a little trip down memory lane with me. I want you to think about the stupidest, craziest, or riskiest thing that you’ve ever done in your life (I’m willing to bet that this event took place between the ages of 12 and 22). How many people saw you do it? Most likely, only the people in the immediate vicinity. Besides these witnesses, how many people know about what you did? There may have been a few days of rumors and speculation if your act was especially juicy, but then it most likely died off.
Now I want you to imagine that you are a teenager in current times, and that you pulled your stunt this past weekend. The reality of modern times is that within 3 minutes, video of your stupidity was recorded by no fewer than six different cell phones and uploaded to each witness’ Facebook account. Within 5 minutes, your video has been viewed by a few hundred Facebook friends and (if it’s good) shared on their Facebook pages. By the next day you’re all over YouTube, your best friend won’t respond to your texts, and your boyfriend/girlfriend has broken up with you. By Monday, you’re an internet sensation and you’re getting panned on Comedy Central’s Tosh.0.[1] Oh, and if you’re a college applicant, you may have just inadvertently blown your chances at the school of your dreams.[2] Sound scary? It should.
Listen: teens today aren’t any more stupid than we were at their age. As a matter of fact, they’re exactly as stupid as we were. That’s because the prefrontal cortex, which primarily controls responsible decision-making, doesn’t fully develop until the early 20’s. Here are some more fun (scary) facts about the teenage brain:
- Starting at around age 12, testosterone and estrogen start flooding the brain, attaching to receptors everywhere and exerting their control over excitement and sensation-seeking. What this means is that teens reach a “flash-point” of excitement more quickly, and that they will now actively seek out situations to achieve that flash-point.
- Teenagers are significantly more likely to do something risky or controversial when they feel that they are being observed by peers.
- When trying to understand or predict the emotional response of others, teens typically use the amygdala, a small almond-shaped structure in the brain that regulates fear and “gut” reactions. As we get older, that process moves to the frontal lobes where we make more reasonable, less impulsive, responses.
So to summarize, the teenage brain is: flooded with hormones, addicted to adrenaline, prone to risky behavior when observed by peers, and unable to accurately predict how people will respond to their actions. You were the same way once; the difference is that today’s teenagers have the misfortune of being able to record their stupidity and broadcast it to the world.
Like it or not, Facebook is here to stay. And even if Facebook goes the way of MySpace or Friendster, there will be something else that comes along to take its place. The world is trending towards digital communication now, and social networking is slowly seeping into the professional world.[3] But just because it is inevitable doesn’t mean that parents should passively accept it into their child’s life. Just like driving, voting, or the collective works of Neil Diamond, Facebook is not something that one should enter into lightly. If my daughter were a teenager with a Facebook account, these are the five things I would want to know:
- Despite what you’ve read up to this point, Facebook is not a bad thing. I realize that my attitude towards Facebook so far may have come across as sensationalistic or heavy-handed. But let me clarify: I’m a fan of Facebook. I signed up myself a few years ago so that I could learn more about this thing that had taken over my teen clients’ minds. What started out as professional curiosity ended up being a great way to re-connect with old friends from high school and college. But beyond the benefits of connection, Facebook can be a way for your kids to learn the rules of digital communication. They can learn how to convey (and read) emotion through the written word without having to rely on “LOL” and smiley faces. They can learn to plan what they want to say instead of responding impulsively, since the internet removes the “awkward silence.” And they can practice the art of entering into, and exiting, conversations gracefully.
- If you don’t have a Facebook account, get one. Ideally, this will allow you to openly observe your child’s activity and can lead to some good conversations about what is and isn’t safe to post. I say ideally, because you can only see what your son is doing if he allows you to see it. If he accepts your friend request, then you’ll be privy to anything he posts including status updates, pictures, and videos. You’ll also be able to see who his friends are and get a sense of with whom he is spending his time (Assuming he doesn’t block your access, but more on that later).
It’s quite possible that your child won’t accept your friend request, or that he’ll accept it but limit what you can see on his page. No matter. There are still plenty of benefits to having your own Facebook account. Most importantly, you can get familiar with it. Learn how to use it. Play with the security settings to learn how to limit who can see your personal information, your pictures, your posts, etc. Have a conversation with your kids to see how much they know about their own security. They may be surprised to find out just how accessible they are.
- If your child does “friend” you, tread lightly. Seriously. If you end up as Facebook friends with your son or daughter, you are dealing with a sacred yet fragile bond of trust. If you break that trust by criticizing or embarrassing, intentionally or not, you’ll be de-friended faster than you can ask yourself, “Is ‘de-friended’ even a word?”[4] Or you’ll get banished to the Siberia of Facebook: the restricted list. You’ll technically still be “friends” with your daughter, but now you’re blocked from seeing anything other than name, rank, and serial number.
You can try to force her to give you her password, or demand that she shut her account down, but all that will do is guarantee that she finds new ways to use Facebook without your knowledge. It’s easier than you think. All you need is an email address. As a matter of fact, in the time it took you to read this sentence, I created a Facebook account for my dog. So if you want to fight that fight, be my guest. Personally, I recommend the path of least resistance, which means that if you are a parent in the Holy Land of Facebook Friendship with your teen, you are to be neither seen nor heard. Some tips for a successful online friendship with your child:
- Pick your battles. Facebook is not the place to remind your son about chores, question his choice of profile picture, or correct his spelling. But if you must comment…
- Do not, under any circumstances, comment on their wall. Anything you need to communicate should only be done in person or through the messaging feature of Facebook. Messages work like email, and only your child will be able to see it. Whereas anything you post on their wall can be seen by all and can lead to major grief for your kid. Remember how embarrassed your son was when you said his new haircut was “cute” in front of his carpool friends? Well, imagine how he’ll react if you make the same comment in front of 200 of his friends.
- Don’t send friend requests to your kid’s friends. It can make their friends feel awkward and obligated. If they accept your request, they’ll be worried that you’ll see something they say and tell their parents. If they don’t accept, there will always be that feeling of rejection whenever you see them. It just makes it weird.
- There are over 500 million Facebook users out there, which means that there are literally millions of parents who torture their children on Facebook each day. Learn what not to do by visiting http://myparentsjoinedfacebook.com/.
- Monitoring your child’s Facebook account is not an invasion of privacy. In Facebook, there is no privacy. Many parents worry that checking up on their child’s Facebook page is like snooping in the child’s bedroom. Well, sure. If your kid’s bedroom holds 255 of her closest friends. Linda Fogg Phillips and her brother, Dr. B.J. Fogg, [5] make the argument that Facebook is less a bedroom and more a front lawn. Anything your child writes, any picture she posts, can immediately be seen by all of her friends. And depending on her security settings, it may also be visible to people she’s never met. Does that sound private to you? The front lawn is a good analogy, and a good point for discussion with your child. If she wouldn’t want it in front of her house, then she shouldn’t put it on Facebook.
- Talk about it. The whole point of you joining Facebook isn’t to snoop, but to educate and protect. Once you join, it won’t take long for you to see people make some really bad decisions (adults included!), whether it’s posting an inappropriate picture or a regrettable status update. Let these become teachable moments for you and your family. Talk to your kids about what they’re seeing. How would they handle that same situation if it were them?
[1] Incredibly popular television show on Comedy Central. A stand-up comic displays that week’s most popular online videos and cracks one-liners.
[2] A Kaplan survey of college admissions officers found that 80% consider an applicant’s social media presence.
[3] Linkedin, anyone?
[4] It is now.
[5] Authors of Facebook for Parents
Here are some ways to help your child adapt to their 'home' classroom.
- Strengthen your WiFi signal at home
- Create a private room for your child to learn in
- Have your child do their school work in a different room of the house (or a different house, like a grandparents, if possible)
- Help them differentiate between “home” (relaxation, TV, video games, etc.) and “school” (work, focus, etc.)
- Reduce distractions
- Create a learning pod
- Create a small group within the pod
- Have an adult who is good with children lead the group
- Pods should be cooperative with children’s friends
- Have P.E. everyday
- Before or after school, make sure your child is engaging in physical exercise
- The best time is before school, since exercise gets the brain better prepared to learn
- Make plans for the evenings or weekends as a family
- Give them something to look forward to
- Otherwise, the lines between weekday and weekends get really blurred
- Set your child up for sleep success
- Change sleep patterns (up to a week in advance, if possible) so when school starts the body is ready to work
- Help kids go back to school during the first week with special breakfasts
- Donut Monday or Kolache Tuesday
- This is a reward for positive behaviors, waking up on time as expected, and no negative mood
- Do a test run on the computer so your kids know what to expect
- Create a visual calendar in the workspace for daily routine
- This includes food breaks and energizer activities
- This helps define expectations and reduce anxiety for what’s next
- If the school does not offer social time, help your child create it with school friends. Examples:
- Online games like Heads Up
- Tuesday social night with pizza
- Engage in Sunday night reviews with your child where online school grades and assignments are reviewed and upcoming activities are discussed in terms of preparation needed
- For those children with anxiety, consider looking at pictures of teachers on the school website and reviewing last year’s pictures of friends to recall names and faces.
Loss is indelibly intertwined with the human experience. We all suffer the death of loved ones sooner or later. These losses can be devastating, often shaking our understanding of reality and our attitudes towards life. Human deaths are only one of many kinds of losses that we experience. We grieve the loss of romantic relationships and friendships. We grieve the death of our pets. We grieve financial or career opportunities that slip by. During the pandemic, we have all experienced untold losses. The death of a close friend or family member, the closure of a beloved local restaurant, dramatic shifts in our capacities to connect to one another – everyone across the globe carries the emotional weight of these losses every day.
The American social contract largely ignores these losses. A death-phobic society such as ours makes little space for grief. Most places of business allow up to 3 days of bereavement leave, if that, and there is little to no acknowledgment of the impact of the many other kinds of losses we grieve. Societal standards dictate that we return to normal, productive functioning as quickly as possible and that we keep our emotions to ourselves. For so many of us, our schools and workplaces communicate implicitly, and sometimes explicitly, “It’s not okay to not be okay. Keep it together.” Many of us ignore or repress our grief reactions to satisfy this cultural mandate. Human beings are incredibly resilient creatures. We can bottle such emotions for a long time and do what is asked of us. In the long term, however, the consequences of grief avoidance can be dire. Anxiety, irritability, anger, depression, and burnout can all arise when we ignore our grief. We can feel disconnected from ourselves. We can feel lost and empty.
I consider it an honor and a privilege to guide my clients through their grief journey. I begin by normalizing your experience. Grief symptoms vary tremendously. Everyone’s process is unique, and we will work together to build an awareness of the breadth of your grief and how it’s manifesting in your life, all within the context of your individual identities and cultural milieu. We will then dedicate our sessions to sitting with these challenging emotions together. Patients often ask me how to make grief “go away” or how to make it easier. There’s no quick fix. There’s no radical solution. The way out is through. The grief journey is never “over,” but when we allow ourselves to feel and experience our grief, the intensity lessens greatly over time. We will also discuss how you can spend time with your grief outside of sessions and how you can set these feelings aside when you need to resume activities of daily living. This part of the process is called Loss-Oriented Coping.
An equally important part of the grief process is Restoration-Oriented Coping. I mentioned earlier that losses can shift our understanding of reality and our place in it. Questions like “What do I do now? Who am I without my spouse? Who will I go to for support now that my parent is gone?” wrack the brains of the bereaved. While scary, these questions often lead to enriching, meaningful growth in my patients. I will support you in finding a new normal and embracing change in your life and your identity. Over time, our work together will shift organically towards a Restoration-Oriented Coping focus.
If this approach sounds like a good fit and you are interested in working with me as your grief therapist, please contact the Tarnow Center. I would be glad to walk alongside you in your grief journey.
John Adams, PhD, Post Doc Candidate
Dr Adams has earned his Doctorate in Counseling Psychology from Colorado State University, and he received his Bachelor of Science in Psychology from Texas Christian University. Dr. Adams has provided clinical services in a wide range of milieus, including community mental health clinics, juvenile correctional facilities, and university counseling centers. As both a therapist and assessor, he has worked with clients across the lifespan, with diverse racial, cultural, religious, ability, sexuality, and gender identities. Dr. Adams prioritizes understanding the client’s specific lived experience of their identities, family systems, relationships, and work/academic life. Through this understanding, Dr. Adams seeks to form a collaborative relationship with the client to pursue an effective, personalized treatment plan. He integrates skills-based therapies such as CBT, DBT, and ACT as well at attachment-based approaches like Interpersonal Process Therapy. As the client gains skills for coping with symptoms of mental health difficulties, Dr. Adams guides the client through long-term processing and healing from trauma.
Dr. Adams provides individual therapy, couples therapy, and group therapy. He is particularly passionate about grief, death, and dying; relationship struggles and attachment issues; existential therapy; and men’s issues, including emotion awareness and toxic masculinity.
On September 24th, Dr. Tarnow along with Dr. Joan Shook, the Chief Safety Officer at Texas Children's Hospital, was featured on multiple segments of the Parenting Show on Great Day Houston. The links to the recorded segments are listed below, so take a look!
The YouTube links for the Parenting show with Dr. Tarnow are below:
Parenting Show: Babies & Infants - https://youtu.be/gyb1d2CSnUg
Parenting Show: Early Childhood Development - https://youtu.be/uS33ua6vyLY
Parenting Show: Tweens & Teens - https://youtu.be/skH9-WQmwGI
Parenting Show: Development In School - https://youtu.be/-oS4PQDrUfI
Parenting Show: Viewer Questions - https://youtu.be/ES0-tiG7vj4
W.Walker Peacock, Psy.D.
We’re entering that fateful time of year when progress reports start rolling out, which is when many parents make the decision to provide extra support to their children. Entering into therapy can be a daunting task, and not just for the child. How can you talk to your child about taking them to therapy without making them feel as if something is wrong with them? Does asking for professional help with my child mean that there is something wrong with me as a parent? It’s a lot easier to seek professional help from a plumber, or a golf pro. After all, they’re just pipes. It’s only a game. But this is your child.
Thankfully, the stigmas associated with therapy have greatly washed away over the past decade or so. Actors, athletes, and titans of industry have come forward publicly to discuss their own mental health struggles, and shared the benefits they have received from working with a therapist. As we as a society have become more educated about mental health and self-care, we’ve learned that nobody is “normal.” And - let’s face it – “normal” is boring. We all struggle with something from time to time.
While it’s easy to acknowledge that fact rationally, there is still an understandable anxiety when deciding to begin therapy. Seeking help from an expert opens us up to having to confront our own flaws. This can be even more difficult when we’re doing so to a seemingly all-knowing entity who never makes mistakes. But here’s the thing: the best golfers in the world still shank it into the trees. The most experienced plumbers still get leaky pipes in the basement. And the best therapists make the same mistakes as everybody else.
I’ve been the kid who went to therapy. I’ve been the parent who has helped his daughter find a therapist. And I’m the guy who has watched countless families walk into my office for their first therapeutic experience. So I’ve come up with a list of things that parents can do (and can avoid) to give themselves and their children the best chance of having successful therapy.
Do:
Talk to your kids before starting the process. Share your concerns with them from a place of compassion. If your tone comes across as critical or judgmental, then your children will see therapy as a form of punishment. I’ve winced when I’ve heard parents tell their child, “If you don’t clean up your act, you’re going back to see Peacock.”
If you don’t know what to say to your children, or your attempts to talk with them about therapy haven’t gone very well, schedule an appointment to meet with the therapist yourself. You’ll get a good sense of whether the therapist is a good fit for your child, and you can also get helpful tips on how to prepare your child for the first session.
Set clear and realistic expectations for what you hope to achieve with therapy. A therapist’s job is not to “fix” or “cure” anything; our job is to help you learn how to make things better for yourself. Try to find the small successes. For example: If your child is failing five classes, they’re probably not going to be passing any of those classes anytime soon. But if their daily grades are coming up and assignments start getting turned in, those grades will eventually turn around. In a similar way, if your child was cursing at you and having meltdowns 6 days a week and now he’s only doing it 4 days a week? That’s a win.
Be patient. Television sit-coms will have you believe that severe trauma can be treated in a single 30-minute episode (thanks a lot, Full House). But depending on the nature of your concerns, effective therapy can take months or years. It takes time to get to know a client and build the trust necessary to start making progress.
Communicate with the Therapist. The limits of confidentiality mean that the therapist cannot/will not tell you about what your child says in therapy. But that doesn’t mean that you cannot share information with the therapist. We depend on your input so that we can more effectively help your child.
It takes time to develop the kind of trust where a teenager will openly discuss the fight he had with his mom last week, or share that he got caught drinking with friends over the weekend. It’s hard to talk about, especially with a relative stranger. So let us know what’s happening at home and at school. That will enable us to bring it up with your child in an empathic and non- judgmental way, reinforcing the idea that therapy is a safe place to discuss anything.
Don’t:
Don’t lie to your kids. I know this sounds like a “Yeah, Duh…” moment, but it happens all the time. Parents will tell their son that he’s going to a doctor’s appointment, but they don’t clarify that it’s for therapy. Or the parent will wait until the last minute to tell their daughter that she has therapy that day. I get it. I really do. It can be hard to face that confrontation if your child is either unprepared or unmotivated for therapy. But deceiving them about it only undermines the process before it can begin. Your child will associate the therapist with the deception, and it makes it twice as hard (or impossible) for the therapist to earn your child’s trust. If you don’t know what to say to your kids about therapy, talk with the therapist beforehand. Don’t limit us to fighting fires. Psychologists have two jobs: Fire fighter and Arson Investigator. The fire fighter deals with crises as they come up, trying to put out the fire while limiting the damage done. The arson investigator sifts through the ashes of previous fires, trying to determine which factor(s) sparked the flames in the first place. Once we have that information, we’re in a great position to prevent the same fire from starting again.
Psychologists will play both roles with all of our clients, but arson investigation is where the really good work happens. You can help us spend more time in this role by communicating with us, and by sticking with the recommended treatment plan. I’ve had countless clients who fall out of my schedule for a variety of reasons, and when I call to follow up the parents will tell me that “____ is doing fine, so we don’t need therapy now.” More often than not, I’ll get a call from those same parents a month or so later, trying to get back into my schedule because their child is in crisis. And it’s back to putting out a fire that likely could have been avoided in the first place.
I’m not suggesting that you must keep your child in therapy for the rest of their lives in order to avoid crises. But if you feel like your child is doing well enough, or that he/she needs a break from therapy, please consult with your therapist before making changes to the treatment plan.